The other day when I’m taking my morning walk around the neighborhood, I come across a “Sidewalk Closed” sign. I know they’re doing construction up the block— they’ve been clearing a vacant lot that’s stood empty and overgrown with weeds for the twenty-plus years I’ve resided in this county–but for the life of me, I can’t see why the sidewalk would be closed. This is the main street through town. I don’t hear any jackhammers or see any obvious signs of construction that would close off anything so I kept walking. And walking.
As I approach the lot that’s under construction, I see a red ATV, a motorized 4-wheel sort of golf cart. A person in white protective clothing, face shield, gloves, and rubber boots suddenly emerges from it. Twenty yards away, I stop dead in my tracks. We stare at each other. Then the figure in the HAZMAT suit waves me forward.
After the briefest of hesitations, I walk on. I smell something that smells vaguely like paint.
After I’ve passed the cart and its mysterious occupant, I become aware that my throat and nose are tingling.( And not in a good way. ) I pull my shirt over my face (for all the good that’s gonna do me) and move rapidly away from the construction site, as fast as I can without actually running. Cursing myself.
I got home and rinsed my mouth out and then used my saline nasal wash bottle for my nose. It would be a lie and an exaggeration to say that yellow and green spots danced in front of my eyes for the next two hours or that I saw imaginary blue elves crouching in the corners of my room and peering furtively at me from underneath the furniture but I was nevertheless—officially—pretty freaked out.
Satchel Paige, the great Negro League pitcher and Baseball Hall of Famer, had these rules for living:
1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
2. If you stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts.
3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
4. Go very light on the vices, such as carrying on in society. The social ramble ain’t restful.
5. Avoid running at all times.
6. Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you.
Allow me to offer the following addendum to the Great One’s philosophy:
Never, ever walk towards a person in a HAZMAT suit when they wave you forward.
(Seriously. How fucking dumb am I?).
Dear Chris,
Two thoughts:
1) I hope you are ok,
and
2) This is a very funny story.
Anne
Ann, I am okay although I can’t shake the lingering suspicion that the appearance of imaginary blue elves could be imminent at any time. Glad you enjoyed the story.